Football, apple pie, and law suits…

Some people like to say “….as American as apple pie.” I prefer “as American as a law suit.”  Grady Jackson, the behemoth defensive tackle who weighed in last season at around 360 pounds, agrees with me, and to show his support, he is suing his employer, the Atlanta Falcons. 

Falcons’ officials beleive the lawsuit is a ploy by Jackson’s agent to net a new contract with the team.  He is scheduled to earn 1.5 million dollars each of the next two seasons, after having earned the veterans minimum in the first year of the deal.  Jackson is suing for defamation and invasion of privacy, stating that the team released private information regarding his health to the media.  Falcons’ officials couldn’t be reached for a response, but usually no one ever responds to my calls, not even my mother.

(grady)

Stick to your day job…

Funnyman Eddie Griffin, whose best role to date has been as the Afro sportin’ crime fighting Under Cover Brother, nearly killed himself early today while piloting a rare Enzo Ferrari.

Luckily for Griffin, the car doesn’t belong to him, and he escaped the crash unscathed.  Unluckily for his executive producer, Daniel Sadek, the car’s owner, only 400 Enzos were produced and the vehicle is most likely beyond repair.  The price tag on an Enzo is over 1.5 million dollars.  The car is so exclusive that Ferrari only sold it to customers who had purchased two previous Ferraris. 

(era bella…pardon the babelfish translation.)

Five Reasons to Remember: The Juice (of Jesus of Nazareth)

Today we continue our serial, Five Reasons to Remember a Player, also known as the Hurricanes are for Drinking Fantasy Baseball Preview. Since you probably know enough about the bigger name players in the game, these features will focus on the lesser knowns. You can get “insider” tips about Albert Pujols anywhere. Today we are going to give someone else a turn.

In 2004, former big-leaguer Andy Van Slyke postulated that the only way 46 year-old Julio Franco was still playing in the Major Leagues was because he was on steroids. Franco agreed, claiming that he was indeed using a performance enhancer:

“Andy Van Slyke is right,” Franco said. “I’m on the best juice there is. I’m juiced up every day, and the name of my juice is Jesus. I’m on His power, His wisdom, His understanding. … Next time you talk to him, tell him the steroid I’m on is Jesus of Nazareth.”

I would definitely find Jesus if it meant I got pipes like those.

Each year, there are a few older players who have inexplicably great seasons. It’s part of the natural progression of a baseball player’s career. I’m not naive enough to believe that these late-career outbursts are never aided by the use of (real) performing performance enhancers; I’m also not cynical enough to believe that each older player who has a great season is on steroids. I guess we could call these players bounce-back veterans, or something along those lines, but I really wanted to work that Franco story in. I’m in no way insinuating that these players are going to use steroids, only that I think they will have good seasons.

My Suggestion is a Fantasy Cross-Promotion Game, or, The Day Fantasy Sports Jumped the Shark (and committed tortious battery in the process)

A Fantasy Dancing with the Stars League? Did you really think you could slip this one by us? You aren’t the only one who is talented, Mr. Roto…

You’re welcome.

Thank you, Matthew Berry. It’s often difficult to find good, mockable material.

I’m about to do something for you that is a gift. A gift better than the likes of you deserve, frankly. But I’m a giver.

Don’t tease me.

Scripted Sumo!

Every guy in the U.S age 18 to 36 watched WWF wrestling at some point during their childhood.  The action is beleivable enough that, unless someone spoiled the fun for them, they probably thought it was real.  Over time however, it became clear it was all just a show, the matches,  specifically the punches, kicks, and assortment of pile drivers and power bombs were too unrealistic for anyone to beleive otherwise.  Apparently Japan has better sports entertainers then the U.S., because until today, everyone I know thought Sumo Wrestling was for real.

It seems that Sumo, just like the WWE, is scripted.  Japan’s annual spring sumo tournament in Osaka is their version of March Madness, and the modern day Muhammad Ali of Sumo - Asashoryu, is apparently a big fat faker. “Asa”, winner of 20 straight tournaments, is a national phenomenom in Japan.  He is revered by giggling school girls and the men who buy their panties from vending machines, and he has been bribing his opponents in an effort to keep his win streak alive. 

Nothing like a good old fashioned scandal to start the weekend…

Kevin Durant, Bill Simmons has a Present for You

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following image was produced for satirical purposes only. It is a juvenile, poorly produced, ill-conceived attempt at humor. Hurricanes are for Drinking possesses no knowledge of Mr. Simmons’ secret desires or fantasies, or even if he maintains virginity in the referenced orifices. It is a joke, and should be interpreted as such. In fact, this image should not be viewed by anybody. Ever.

We Now Have Proof

LSU. Louisiana State University, home of the Tigers (otherwise known as Pussycats), half retarded swamp coonasses who can’t spell the word “Go,” the absolute worst fans in the NCAA, and purple wearing homosexuals.

That’s right all you purple wearing LSU losers out there, we now have proof of what all of us at Tulane already knew, not only are you dumber than dirt, but you are gay.  As if the purple didn’t give it away already.  Now the coach of the tenth ranked women’s basketball team, and holder of a 90-14 career record, including one Final Four appearance, over three years has resigned after LSU officials discovered that she allegedly had inappropriate conduct with players.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  Looks like Coach Chatman Pokeyed in the wrong place.  This lifetime Pussycat had to step down because she was messing around with her players!!!  Now we all know what LSU really stands for, and it isn’t Louisiana State University.  Try Lesbian State University!!

Fags.

Channel that Rage, Boy

[Excuse me if I seem a bit worked up, but I had to talk myself down from calling Gene Wojciechowski a stupid fucking cuntrag in print. Oops...Ah well, he has probably called me much worse.]

Channel that rage, boy, make it productive. Mike rode his rage to six titles. Kobe rode his rage to multiple assaults on women (ED. NOTE: Allegedly) and foreigners. Bonds rode ‘roid rage…nah, too easy.

Come on now, boy, focus, smoke a bowl, drink a beer, rub one out, do what you have to do.

Aaaaah, fuck it. Time to channel my inner Junior. Gene, whatcha got…

Editor’s Notes: Stuff We Get to Do (That You Wish You Were Doing)

In all honesty, that headline may be a bit of a reach, considering the fact that ten of our twelve readers are bloggers themselves, and at least five of our readers do actually get to do this stuff. Sadly, even that was an exaggeration. Nevertheless, over the next few weeks…months (sweet Christ, what did Sunil get us into?) you will see our fair site in a number of competitions for bloggers. Specifically, we have agreed to put horses in two fantasy sport challenges, a NCAA Tourney Pick’em contest sponsored by Just Call me Juice, and a fantasy baseball league that was the unholy brainchild of the sadist who runs Seal Clubbers. To the winners: multiple posts on everybody else’s blogs. If, by the grace of one of Sunil’s roughly 10,012 Hindu Gods, one of our entries actually pulls out a victory in one of these contests, expect to see a plethora of links to unique, 50,000 word nonsensical manifestos about blumpkins and english toothbrushes (you don’t want to know what those words mean). ‘Cause those posts may not fly on our site, but they’re damn sure going to on somebody else’s.

Oh, and in the NCAA Tourney Pick’em Challenge, we’re also competing against a penny. Good Gods, we hope we beat the penny.

People who tell you what they were listening to while writing columns are dipshits (it was Kenny Rogers’ 20 Greatest Hits)

Did Wilbon Just Call David Beckham a Bitch?

Update 2: This post removed by editor.