Minute of Hate: New York Yankees

You probably didn’t read the first few Hurricanes are for Drinking Minutes of Hate (although it won’t be hard to catch up), in which we take a purely malevolent look at each team’s offseason. Today’s victims are the New York Yankees.

The Yankees are the only team in American professional sports that are annually the favorite to win their respective championship.  The owner, George “likes his chicken spicy” Steinbrenner is as unpredictable and explosive as they come, and is extremely unsatisified unless his team captures a World Series.  This has led the team to make a number of short-sighted moves in the past, a strategy that netted them no World Series titles.   Since the four year “Yankee Dynasty” of the 1990s, the team has become far more hateable then one could have ever imagined. 

Minute of Hate: New York Yankees

You probably didn’t read the first few Hurricanes are for Drinking Minutes of Hate (although it won’t be hard to catch up), in which we take a purely malevolent look at each team’s offseason. Today’s victims are the New York Yankees.

The Yankees are the only team in American professional sports that are annually the favorite to win their respective championship.  The owner, George “likes his chicken spicy” Steinbrenner is as unpredictable and explosive as they come, and is extremely unsatisified unless his team captures a World Series.  This has led the team to make a number of short-sighted moves in the past, a strategy that netted them no World Series titles.   Since the four year “Yankee Dynasty” of the 1990s, the team has become far more hateable then one could have ever imagined. 

Minute of Hate: The Chicago Cubs

You probably didn’t read the first few Hurricanes are for Drinking Minutes of Hate (although it won’t be hard to catch up), in which we take a purely malevolent look at each team’s offseason. Today’s victims are the Chicago Cubs

It’s hard to truly hate a club like the Cubs, because their ceaseless losing never allows them to reach the point of envy, which is the precipitator of hatred. Right now, hating the Cubs is a bit like hating Special Olympians: one could, but it doesn’t really seem like a fair fight. And while I do want to touch on the Orwellian notion of a perpetual rebuilding period – one that creates a consistent demand for ticket sales from year-to-year, while never fully slaking the thirst for victory – I first wanted to point out that the Cubs are markedly different from other annual lost causes like Kansas City and Pittsburgh. You see, this is the Cubs’ year. After a century of losing, 2007 is the year that the Cubs will rise up and break the shackles of the Curse of the Billygoat. Thus, it’s pointless to hate them, because that would be just raining on the parade of a team – and a fanbase – that has long deserved it. At least, that is how the Cubs organization is selling the upcoming season, and they are selling it out. Nevertheless, this exercise is a celebration of the insitution of hatred, and while it may be immoral, while it may even be pointless, I must proceed.

Minute of Hate: The Milwaukee Brewers

You probably didn’t read the first few Hurricanes are for Drinking MLB Season Previews(although it won’t be hard to catch up). In lieu of Season Previews, we will be presenting the “Minute of Hate” features, in which we will take a purely malevolent snapshot of each team’s off-season. Today’s victims are the Milwaukee Brewers.

In 2005, the Brewers finished 81-81, the team’s first non-losing season since 1992. Milwaukee was the trendy pick to win the NL Central before the 2006 season, but the club was stricken with injuries, and limped to a 75-87 season.

Minute of Hate: St. Louis’ Mardi Gras (If I Hear One More Person Brag About the Second Largest Mardi Gras, I’m Swinging First and Asking Quesions Later)

[stop sports]

I am sitting in a coffee shop on Delmar Ave., stealing internet, thumbing through an issue of the RFT with a great rack on the cover, and listening to them give away Mardi Gras Survival Packs over the radio. St. Louis, take it from someone whose only memory from Mardi Gras 2005 is a tattoo of the Cardinals STLogo on his left shoulder: Your Mardi Gras Sucks. Well, no, that’s a bit harsh. After all, it’s the second largest in the country, unless you count the Metairie Mardi Gras as separate (I do, different Krewes, different parades, different locations). Still, from somebody with experience in doing it right, here is what you are doing wrong.

1. I am people-watching Delmar Ave. on the Thursday before Mardi Gras. Where are the floats, where are the drunken crowds? I see cars, open stores, and cold. Mardi Gras is a month-long celebration of debauchery that culminates in the week leading up to fat Tuesday. You can hear it, see it, and smell it far in advance of actually feeling it. Your entire city need not be shut down, but your “party streets” damn sure better be. Traffic and people should not flow; be prepared to walk for miles, it’s the way it is.

2. Mardi Gras Survival Pack Contents:
A. Case of Beer, expected consumption time: 2 hours. Be prepared to buy another one for $30.
B. Sweater. You’re gonna be there for twelve hours. At least.
C. Trash bag. To wear in the rain, or vomit in the car.
D. 16oz plastic bottle. To piss in. Porta potties are for chumps.
E. 8-ball. See B.
F. Cell Phone. Not that it’s gonna work.
G. Camera. ‘Cause your internal memory card is going to malfunction.
H. Jack Daniels. Eventually, beer loses its effectiveness.

3. Where is Girls Gone Wild? It’s hard to watch those videos without seeing girls I went to school with. It should be the same for you.

4. Parades. Mardi Gras parades are (historically) about two things: Play fighting, and world-upside-down.
A. Play fighting, more akin to The Jets and Sharks than WWE. Briefly, Mardi Gras is the celebration of secret societies and the coronation of the king of the city. The krewes are a bit like the warring factions trying to take over the city. Hence, the parades are almost like little battles.
B. World-upside-down. When you are killing a keg in Lee’s Circle, and a uniformed cop comes up asking for a beer, that’s world-upside-down. Mardi Gras is eighteenth century masquerade, and provides people with the opportunity to live out their dreams and fantasies in anonymity.

5. Balls. St. Louis’ are far too small. Pun intended.

6. Beads. Beads are for amateurs. You don’t need to show tits to get them, and you don’t need them to see tits. The only reason I collect them is to send to my grandma, because she makes cool shit out of them.

7. Arrests. If you get arrested in New Orleans during Mardi Gras week, get to know these names. You’re gonna be there through at least Wednesday. If your Mardi Gras doesn’t shut down your legal system, then it’s far too small.

8. Mardi Gras Break (Feb. 19-20). If you have ever had one, you understand.

St. Louis, stick to what you’re good at: beer, baseball, and meaningless, inexplicable national landmarks. Leave Mardi Gras to the professionals. And no, I won’t be meeting you in Soulard, so stop asking.

(that gorgeous skyline)

[resume sports]

Minute of Hate: Los Angeles Dodgers

You probably didn’t read the first few Hurricanes are for Drinking Minutes of Hate (although it won’t be hard to catch up), in which we take a purely malevolent look at each team’s offseason. Today’s victims are the Los Angeles Dodgers

The 2006 L.A. Dodgers teamed young prospects with veteran leaders at key positions, and the result was a wild card berth.  During the offseason they looked to build on last season’s success, with mixed results, acquiring players to fill positions of need while new holes were ripped open.

Oft injured infielder NO-MA Garciaparra was re-signed to a 2 year 18.5 million dollar contract.  My mother always told me that the past is the best predictor of future behavior, so Dodger fans can expect approximately 240 games over the next two seasons from the former Bo Sock.  Speaking of the Bosox, they relieved the Dodgers of another injury plagued run producer, outfielder J.D. Drew.   In order for the 2007 Dodgers to avoid the brownouts that plague the L.A. area, Drew’s production must be replaced.  Unfortunately for Grady Little and the Dodger-faithful, team brass didn’t bring in a proven run producer.

On the contrary, the team acquired a number of players who’s recent production screams HAS BEEN, injury plagued, and possibly no longer on:
the .

Juan Pierre was added to patrol center field at Chavez Ravine.  Pierre’s production has dipped since the Marlins world series victory.  Nagging injuries to his legs are the prime suspect for the sag in his effectiveness for long strecthes over the last two seasons.  The team also added steroid suspect extroardinaire and Yankee killer Luis Gonzalez from Arizona in free agency.  The former D-bag’s D-Back’s RBI production has taken a suspicious dip the past few seasons, with age and other biological changes likely to blame.  He will be hard pressed to knock in 100 runs again in his career. 

Fear not Dodger fans, the team did make an effort to grab a power bat of the bargain rack.  Fernando Tatis, who once smacked 2 grand slams in 1 inning, fled Baltimore out of grief of the loss of Preston “Bodie” Broadus, and hopes to find himself and his power stroke on the left coast.  If Gonzalez and Tatis should fail to produce enough runs, young gun Andre Ethier and the new arms they acquired could be responsible for alot of the heavy lifting.

Jason Schmidt, the crown jewel of the team’s offseason, fled San Francisco in fear of being crushed by Barry Bond’s gigantic dome.  He landed safely in LA, where he will be expected to be the ace of a potentially dominant staff.  Behind Schmidt, the staff features Brad Penny, newly acquired Randy Wolf, Derek Lowe, and Hong-Chih Kuo.  The staff is one of the strongest in the NL, but could prove to be a paper tiger if Penny’s arm troubles and Wolf’s inconsistencies continue. 

Now, to ease your worries a bit Angelinos, enjoy the following Dodger Propaganda:

(dodger’s logo, juicy juice)

Minute of Hate: New York Mets

You probably didn’t read the first few Hurricanes are for Drinking MLB Season Previews(although it won’t be hard to catch up). Accompanying the Season Previews will be the “Minute of Hate” features, in which we will take a purely malevolent snapshot of each team’s off-season. As the last team to be eliminated in the National League, the loathsome Mets stand first in line for sloppy seconds. The Soapbox belongs to Hurricanes are for Drinking Contributor, and Mets fan, Brian Hamburger. Because, really, who has more ingrained spite than Mets fans?

     Jose Reyes, David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, and Paul Lo Duca….In 2006 the Mets front office finally put together a team of winners, a team the fans of New York embraced and loved.  The Mets were an offensive force, but unfortunately for these aforementioned fans, the front office over looked the most important piece of a post season winner: STARTING PITCHING.

     The Mets held off on trading prized prospects for pitching prior to last season’s trading deadline, and have remained stationary during the off-season, despite persistent rumors of a swap of prospects for a power pitcher from Oakland.  Omar Minaya and the Wilpons are playing a dangerous game of brinkmanship with a back-end of the rotation, and by that I mean everybody after Tom Glavine, that includes the AARP eligible Orlando Hernandez, and…and…no one else.  New York has placed a lot of faith in their resident pitching guru, Rick Peterson, to shape and mold the enigmatic Oliver Perez, John “Two Pitches” Maine, and highly touted prospects Mike Pelfrey and Philip Humber into serviceable starters.  This is the same Rick Peterson who said he could fix Victor Zambrano in ten minutes…If Peterson and the prospects should falter, the Mets have amassed a plethora of washed up veterans (Aaron Sele), or never will be’s (Jorge Sosa), in an attempt to catch lightning in a bottle and rescue the rotation until the potential late summer return of Pedro Martinez.

     The 2007 Mets will have one goal, to out-slug every team that they play. To that end, the ageless Moises Alou was added to replace the injury riddled Cornelius Floyd.  Alou is a stop gap until wunderkind Lastings Milledge is mentally ready to play everyday on the green grass at Shea.  Milledge is Blessed with ludicrous bat and foot speed, but needs to get his head on straight, no small task for a remarkable athlete who, at the the age of twenty-one, rubbed a number of veteran players the wrong way last season.  The success of Alou and Milledge is potentially pivotal, as the Metropolitans cannot count on Jose Valentin and Shawn Green to contribute consistently offensively or defensively. 

     With that off my chest, it is relieving to remember that the Mets still have Endy Chavez, you know the guy who made the catch. 

(image credit)

Minute of Hate: St. Louis Cardinals

You probably didn’t read the first few Hurricanes are for Drinking MLB Season Previews (although it won’t be hard to catch up). Accompanying the Season Previews will be the “Minute of Hate” features, in which we will take a purely malevolent snapshot of each team’s offseason. As the defending World Champions, the St. Louis Cardinals have earned the right of Prima Nocte.

After Albert Pujols, who may be the best player on the planet, the offensive attack is anchored by Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds. Neither player produced up to career norms in 2006, Edmonds because of age, Rolen because he was recovering from injury. The club carried an option on Edmonds’ contract in the 2006 offseason. Instead of chasing large free-agent game like Alfonso Soriano and Carlos Lee, they decided to pick Edmonds at a palatable two-year price that essentially ensures that Colby Rasmus will be “the Guy who Replaces a Legend.” Godspeed, Kid.

The Cardinals lost out to the Brewers – THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS – for the services of Jeff Suppan (enjoy the dubya Milwaukee, Miller Lite still tastes like shit), wisely chose not to pursue Jason Marquis, and neglected Jeff Weaver until he finally gave up and went to live in the three-day beard solitude of the Pacific Northwest, all so they could have Adam Wainwright, Anthony Reyes, and Kip Wells in the rotation. NL hitters are chomping at the bit to go up against Ryan Franklin, and until he proves otherwise, Mark Mulder is NOT HEALTHY. Don’t get me started about Braden Looper. Not a lot of confidence after Chris Carpenter.

David Eckstein was signed as a stop-gap, yet entering the third year of a three-year deal, the Cardinals have no viable 2008 alternative in the minor leagues. If the organization is serious about a youth movement, it will grow somebody to replace Eckstein (who has been remarkably, consistently, league-average in St. Louis) with all deliberate speed. Re-signing him is fine, but he is getting older, and Aaron Miles should not be the starter-by-default if Eckstein is injured. There is no excuse for that. I gave up on second-base after Tony Womack. The Cardinals need to prove that they can develop a legitimate Major League middle infielder, something that they haven’t done since Placido Polanco (Hector Luna does not count). Until then, they will have a perpetual organizational dysfunction.

Chris Duncan started packing his July 23rd dip last Tuesday.

Albert Pujols is too cool for school.

This video sucks (I know, I took it).

[stop hate]