The Weekly Lopez: Dale Earnhardt Jr.

There was a time in the not-so-distant past, when Mario Lopez was the baddest man on the block. As Saved by the Bell’s A.C. Slater, Lopez ran roughshod over Bayside High, dominated high school sports in a Chitwood-esque fashion, and turned cute little Jessie Spano into a cock-loving whore (the world owes him a debt of gratitude for that one). But since the end of Saved by the Bell, Lopez’s career has floundered, as he has bounced around from project to project, including stints on Animal Planet, Pacific Blue, and the Bold and the Beautiful. Let’s not forget Lopez’s Amaechian tendencies, with roles in the Greg Lougainis made-for-tv biopic, the View, and Wetback Mountain. Clearly, Lopez’s career following Saved by the Bell has tarnished the memory of A.C. Slater; one could even say that A.C. Slater would be better off had he not been entrusted to Mario Lopez. This award, like its namesake, and the month in which it debuted, is designed to celebrate those who enter like a lion, and leave like a lamb.

This week’s Lopez goes to: Dale Earnhardt Jr.

After struggling through the 2005 season, idling to a 19 place finish, Dale Jr. was reunited with his cousin/crew chief Tony Eury Jr. for the 2006 season. The cousins clicked from the second they were reunited, and stormed through 2006 to a 5th place finish. Good stuff indeed.

After racing back into championship contention last season, the #8 Team was expected to rise to the occasion and once again contend. However, off-season distractions have led to extreme media coverage that fans feared would affect the team throughout the season. First, Dale Jr.’s bitch (see the First Amendment) of a step mom questioned his commitment to racing. This from a money chasing bitch who is never at the race track, ever. In addition, this comment was made going into Dale Jr.’s last season under contract with DEI. King Budweiser’s response was to demand a controlling stake in his dad’s company. Without ownership, Dale Jr. will leave, and most believe he will land in his dad’s famed #3 Chevy, driving for Richard Childress. Expect sponsor Budweiser to follow him wherever he goes.

Local Redneck’s Take on the First Amendment

EDITOR’S NOTE: The local redneck screamed this from the proverbial cross upon which he was being metaphorically crucified. He was defending his right to question the sexual preference of certain NASCAR drivers, and decrying the use of disclaimers at the beginning of his articles. Unlike many news sources (read: professional ones), Hurricanes are for Drinking respects the rights of our authors to publicly question our policies. Besides, this is a satire-based website, and we are certainly fair game.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
— The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution

December 15, 1791 shall go down in history as one of the most important days in the history of not only America, but the world.  This was the day the Bill of Rights was ratified by the state of Virginia, resulting in the majority of the states to ratify the Bill, and putting it into effect.  Eeeewwwwww, what a day, what a day!!!!!!

For the first time, we Americans had written documentation of many of the freedoms that have endured the times.  The foresight of our forefathers was amazing, as this great document and successive amendments formed the US Constitution, by which all law is based.

One of the most important, and challenged, freedoms we as Americans have is the freedom of speech.  Overtime Americans have said and done many things, both good and bad, true and false, that have been protected under the First Amendment.  This is because whether we like it or not, all Americans are created equally.  Therefore, we are all protected and have the right to say whatever we want.

However, over the years court cases have challenged the First Amendment and certain exceptions have been written into law.  For example, defamation, in which false statements written about someone are published, and can cause harm to that person, is not protected under the Freedom of Speech.  This is a very touchy subject for many Americans, as there is often times a fine line between what is defamation and what is a true hard fact.  There are those among us who are scared to walk this line.  This is true for our editor.

Recently, articles have been written on this great site containing true facts about certain individuals.  The great authors of these articles have come under fire for their factual statements.  The editor has threatened to censor their posts if they do not allow him to look over said posting first.  Let me get this straight.  Authors post true facts, editor wants to approve of these facts, and wants to censor touchy subjects at his will. The author might not get posted if the editor doesn’t like their facts!!

Ain’t this America??  Are we not protected by the Constitution with the Freedom of Speech?  I think we are.  And as an American, I bleed Red, White, and Blue, and will continue to walk the line with my posts.

To the editor I say, GO TO CUBA YOU COMMUNIST!!!

Some people say NASCAR isn’t a sport. They might be right, it’s a way of LIFE. Part 2*

Who missed the Super Bowl of Racing, the Great American Race, the Daaaaaaaytona 500??  Cause missing this race is like forgetting to buy bullets for opening day of duck season.  It’s a crime!!  You don’t wanna be left without bullets!!  If you have to steal your buddy’s, he’ll tell you to “Gimme back my bullets.”

Anyways, to recap this Great Race, we will start from the beginning.  One of my Top 5 contenders, Kevin Harvick, swept the weekend, winning the Busch race and edging Mark “I Just Wanna Go Fast” Martin in the 500.  Mike Wallace and Joe Nemechek surprised a few to also drive home Top 10 finishes. 

Other than that, the favorites all failed to finish.  Dale Jr, Smoke, the Busch Brothers, and the #Forty Gayte all failed to finish higher than 24!!  This is not the start of the season these guys needed, as all are capable of winning at Daytona.

Finally, is anyone else surprised Nascar and Waltrip Racing still don’t know what the clear stuff was on the intake manifold, embarrasing Mikey into almost parking it for the weekend and going home to his hot wife?  Personally, I am not at all surprised.  (By the way, like Jimmie Johnson, Buffy has to be a cover up for Mikey’s flamboyant homosexuality.)  Now, back to my point.  The shit on the #55 is Sake!!  Nascar does not have a clue what Sake is!!  These Japs from Toyota have taken over the Truck Series, and fully intend to do the same with a stable of over the hill and shit drivers in Cup.  Therefore, putting Sake, or “The Clear,” in the fuel must be some kind of car steroid.  SOMEBODY IN NASCAR READ THIS POST, ‘CAUSE EVERYTHING WILL BE SOLVED!!!

Up next from the Local Redneck, the weekend fishing report.

(the stainless banner)

*(EDITOR’S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed by the local redneck do not necessarily reflect those of Hurricanes are for Drinking.)

Some people say NASCAR isn’t a sport. They might be right, it’s a way of LIFE.

We listen to our customers’ complaints. In response to a tremendous amount of savage, drunken bellowing for NASCAR coverage, we present our resident redneck, Hurricanes are for Drinking contributor Michael Goldstein. Michael is typing on his gasoline powered computer from his “home office,” the Chevy in his front yard sitting on cinder blocks. Blogging, it’s the purest form of journalism.

Well, it’s February again, and we all know what that means.  NBA All-Star Weekend, the beginning of NCAA Baseball, and the end of football season, leaving our Sunday afternoons empty.  WRONG, we have upon us the Super Bowl of auto racing, the Daytona 500!!!

BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY!!!  LET’S GO RACING BOYS!!

Thats right boys and girls, NASCAR season is here!!  And with all the cars going in circles for 4 hours every Sunday, we get the best commercials on TV.  So lets all sit back, relax, and drink some ice cold BUDWEISER and watch America’s REAL pastime on your brand new flat screen television, brought to you by SONY, which is sitting on your brand new shelf, built by the HOME DEPOT.

With all my sponsorship obligations fulfilled, let’s go through my list of Top 5 contenders for 2007, listed by car number. I will also include some important random thoughts about the upcoming season.

#8 Chevy Dale Earnhardt, Jr.  My main man in the red Budweiser Chevy comes into the season on high note after finishing fifth last year in the Chase. Plus, he enters this season in a fight for HIS company.  That’s right, I said HIS company.  If his Step Mom – and supposed team owner – does not open her eyes, and realize that Dale Jr. is DEI, she will soon lose more than she realizes.  So while you’re downing that case of cold Budweiser this Sunday, watching Mr. DEI dominate, you better be ready ready for some more fun, cause Dale Jr. is going to show his Step Mom up, and dominate.  She wont have a choice but to hand over his team after that.

#20 Home Depot Chevy Tony Stewart.  This is the closest thing we have to the late Dale Earnhardt in driving style; this guy can flat out race.  He is a proven winner, and does not care who he has to bump out of his way to get to Victory Lane.  After a fluke year, in which he won 5 times but still missed the Chase, look for him to rattle some cages on his way to the championship.  And one more thing, Home Depot kicks all those Lowe-mo’s asses.

#24 DuPont Chevy Jeff Gordon.  This guy sucks at life, I don’t care who you are.  I expect to see a lot of the Rainbow Warrior bump drafting his equally as rainbowish teammate in the #48 Lowe-mo car all season long. They seem to like to stick on each other’s rear ends.

#29 Shell Chevy Kevin Harvick.  After dominating the Busch season and coming up just short for the Nextel Cup, this driver is up for another strong season.  It is too bad we wont be seeing the familiar silver and black anymore.

#48 Lowe’s Chevy Jimmie Johnson.  The only thing I can say good about Johnson is that he has a hot wife.  Personally, I think it’s a cover up for his documented love affair with the driver of the #24.

That’s the 2007 Top 5, in no particular order.  All Chevy’s.  You ask, where are the Fords, Dodges, and Toyotas?  Expect Biffle and Edwards to have strong seasons.  Also expect Kenseth to overcome his crew chief’s 4 race suspension to have a decent year, but this loss can be huge.  Kahne also has to overcome the suspension of his crew chief. While Toyota won’t do much this year, expect them to improve by overpaying the Ford and Dodge guys to jump on the band wagon and trade in their Bud for Tsing Tao.

Random Thought #1:  That foreign substance found in the intake manifold of Michael Waltrip’s Toyota was just that, a “foreign substance.”  You think anyone in NASCAR has ever seen Sake in their life?  Hell no!!  That’s like taking someone from Mississippi to a sushi restaurant.  They dont know what the hell they are looking at.

Random Thought #2:  Cheers to Mark Martin for racing because he just wants to go fast.  After leaving the #6 Ford after 19 years, he moves over to Ginn Racing in the #01 Army Chevy on a partial schedule.  Partial schedule my ass.  This guy is driving Cup for Ginn in a Chevy, and Busch in Rousch Fords and Hendrick Chevys.  He will also drive some Ford trucks for Rousch and the Wood Brothers.  This guy has earned the right to race whatever he wants, whether it be Chevy, Ford, Dodge, or even the Rice Rocket.  He has pretty much said screw the championship, I just wanna race.

“Drive it like you stole it”