Random SuperBowl Thoughts

How did this happen? The NFL was in the city of Miami for two whole weeks and not one major incident occurred. I went to sleep Sunday night hoping to wake up to a Tank Johnson crime posting, but I guess he has finally understood the idea of probation and kept himself under the radar (minus the Hulk Hogan NWO look he sported on Media Day to help restore his wholesome image). The biggest incident during the Super Bowl festivities, if you could call it an incident, suprisingly involved a Cincinati Bengal, but Chad Johnson was just questioned in a murder, no biggie.

I’m having a hard time understanding these weather reports. On NFL Countdown on ESPN it was reported by a Weather Channel “expert” that there was a 50% chance of scattered showers and that the wind would not be blowing hard enough to affect the game. Did that look like scattered showers to you? How do you spend millions of dollars on a doppler weather satelite and totally miss the huge fucking rainstorm directly situated on top of Miami?

Super Bowl commercials had a worse performance than Ron Turner and Rex Grossman put together. Since our government officials like to concentrate on important issues like laws against internet gambling and gay marriage rather than bigger issues like the national budget, the war, and the environment I would like them to put some legislation together dealing with Super Bowl commercials. My law will be titled “The Salesgenie.com Tariff”. If a Super Bowl advertisement is unfunny and/or reused the company who runs the ad shall be charged at least double the price of the ad. This will hopefully deter monstrousities such as the aforementioned Salesgenie campaign, Hannibal Rising, and the Coca-Cola commercials. Any commercial submitted before the Super Bowl deemed unfunny can amend the problem by simply putting Robert Goulet in the commercial. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself! Great to be in Burbank Johnny!

Cupcakes should be a staple at all Super Bowl parties. They should have sprinkles baked in to them and if possible, they should be made in ice cream cones. DELICIOUS!

When owners make their Super Bowl trophy speech it should be limited to four words, “Here you go Peyton”. Colts owner, I don’t even know your name and frankly I dont want to waste the ten seconds it would take to look it up, but no one gives half a shit what you have to say unless you are a well known/respected owner like Robert Craft or Dan Rooney. Is this just me?

Tony Dungy broke the over/under of 3 times in thanking “the lord”. It’s great to know how dedicated he is to religion and people of all kinds… except gays. If you were not aware Tony Dungy is speaking at a dinner for the Indiana Family Institute who have openly released articles like this one, taking a stand against the gay agenda.

My friend met Sarah Spain at the Super Bowl and confirmed her sexiness.

Whoever decided that incorporating French people into the Super Bowl was a good idea should be fired immediately. What is this amateur hour? Watching wimpy Frenchman jumping off a swing is not entertainment. I would have rather watched the Puppy Bowl, which covered the over of 24 times puppies smelled each others ass and did not do anything else.

Sorry for anyone who bet the over and did not cover because Dungy did not kick the field goal. I feel for you, but at the same time I laugh at your misfortune. There are two scenarios that could have been worse: 1) You bet a large chunk of change on the Bears while someone made a bet for the goof of it on the Colts and gloated at your misfortune, or 2) you could have been this guy.

How does Michael Irvin make the H.O.F. over a better character-person and at the time of his retirement, the all time leading reciever Art Monk. H.O.F. voting bullshit has been discussed many times, but to make it that blaitantly obvious that it is all about PR is a sham. No wonder Johnny Unitas and Mike Ditka swore to stay away from Canton.

Thank God this is over!

(ocho cinco, goulet!, ms. spain)

Uncle Sunil’s Football Picks: Super Bowl Gambaholic Special

Every family has that one degenerate gambaholic uncle, the one who was sneaking you beers when you were ten years old, or who split that 8-ball with you on the last family vacation. Born of my never ending quest to one day be that uncle, I present my gambling picks for the Super Bowl. These picks are for entertainment purposes only. In fact, you shouldn’t gamble. Ever. Your parents will put me in Shitsville.

Uncle Sunil’s Record: 1-1. (Off the record, Uncle Sunil rode Vince Young and the Tennessee Titans to a pretty good season, including nailing three parlays in the last nine weeks. This is not hubris; it was luck. Uncle Sunil realizes that, and respects it.)

Super Bowl: COLTS (-7) @ Bears

You know what name I haven’t heard much this week? Brian Urlacher. I actually checked on ESPN to make sure that he was still playing, because right now he’s flying so far under the radar that his ass is skimming gravel. Brian Urlacher might be the most dominant player in the Super Bowl, and nobody is talking about him. Peyton Manning is a great quarterback, but Cover-2 defenses can humanize men like Manning. They are forced to hold the ball longer than they would aginst blitzing defenses, which gives athletic pass rushers time to get upfield. Manning, to his credit, is perfectly willing to check the ball down to Joe Addai and Dom Rhodes (we’re tight like that), which is where Urlacher comes in. My bet: early in the game, Addai catches a check-down from Manning, turns upfield, and Urlacher destroys his world. I wish there was a prop-bet for first concussion caused.

The Bears possess the better defense, and the better running game. Undersized defenses (and we are about to see two) tend to show vulnerability against power running teams. Ideally, the Bears would pound the Colts, and keep their Manning on the sideline. In reality, they will probably still need three touchdowns to win. Manning will be content to audible into running plays against zone defenses. If the Colts get ahead early, the game will be over. I don’t have any faith in Rex Grossman’s ability to throw the ball, particularly when the defense knows what is coming.

The game will come down to the battle between the Bears’ defensive line and the Colts’ offensive line. If the Bears pressure Manning, they can force him into poor decisions. If not, Manning will pick apart the Bears’ secondary; think 2006 NFC Championship, Steve Smith. I’m guessing that the Colts will win this battle, win the game, and cover the spread. How creative of me…

Props:

Heads.

Colts score first. It is a field goal.

Longest TD: Over 44.5. This will be a Hester return.

Enjoy the Super Bowl, kids, see you next season.